Ducks In A Row


In my room at college, there is a window. On the windowsill there are five rubber ducks in a row. You could say I’ve got my ducks in a row. The view from the window isn’t that impressive, as there is nothing I can see but grass, more grass and an electricity pylon. What I would like to see out of the window are pigs doing aerial manoeuvres, while a horse plays the William Tell Overture on the saxophone and a flock of pigeons plays The Anvil Chorus on the Theremin. Might have to wait a while for those!

One of my lessons is critical thinking, which we like to call the “Ponder Lesson”. In the “Ponder Lessons” we have pondered the innermost (and often ridiculous) secrets of the universe, like “Is a wasted youth better than a wise and productive old age?” or “What is the difference between someone who ponders the innermost secrets of the universe and a workshy layabout?”. I’ve no doubt that my debating skills are being honed by these lessons, but it can all get rather random.

At college, one thing we do, when not learning, is play a word association game, which is started by one player poking another player and saying a word (usually “Bamboo”), then that player pokes another player (which can be the player who poked them) and says a word that can be associated with the previous word. It’s not as confusing as it sounds. Players of this game have been known to lay in ambush for their intended target. As I previously mentioned, I have gotten very good at hiding. One time, I spied my intended victim carrying a cup of tea walking along the corridor. I quickly hid behind a door. She came into the room the door was attached to, and in a millisecond, I jumped out, poked her solidly and yelled “BAMBOO!”. She jumped five meters in the air and the tea went everywhere. It wasn’t my intention to soak the room, so for a brief moment I was worried

I’d get a right telling-off, but as it happened, the teacher in question was helpless with laughter, and couldn’t speak for 40 minutes.

Throughout the day, I have many lessons. I have already told you about the “Ponder Lessons”, but there several others, like Baking, Creative Writing or Coming Up with Creative Ways to Ambush Someone. There are a lot of books in my classroom, and I have been known to read them when no alternative presents itself. Other popular past-times at college are laptop hunting (there’s never enough to go round), dog walks and UNO (with added DE PLONKO).

I often go for a walk each day with a member of staff. It brings balance and normality to each day, BUT what we talk about on the walks are different by the day, and can go to some strange places indeed. The walk is often spent avoiding the mud left by the many tractors. Indeed, it sometimes is avoiding the tractors themselves, as it is a single track lane and we end up squished against the bank. The banks are often muddy and dotted with wildflowers, so if it is sunny, it makes quite a pleasant stroll. The point at which we normally turn back is Cuttwell Farm, where the smell of silage cuts well through the air and literally makes us turn back. We are also usually greeted by a gang of dim-looking cows, who stand around chewing the cud (code for “chewing gum”) and stare at us like we are a Van Gogh masterpiece.

At 1:00 PM we have lunch. Whether I have what’s on the menu for that day or have a packed lunch depends on whether I like the sound (and taste) of what’s on offer or not. From time to time, the staff have tried to make me eat carrots, even ones made of icing! But I stood firm in my dislike of the orange devils masquerading as a good source of Vitamin A. On the other hand, I will cheerfully eat meat of any cut, be it lamb, chicken, pork or beef, and I do love a bit of cake! Which happily, is something we have regularly!


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